Are you looking for the love of your life? Have you continued to settle for relationships that don’t quite meet your needs? Do you continually find yourself in relationships that repeat the same old patterns? Then this article is for you.
Question #1: What do you want and need?
Have you spent time thinking about what you truly want and need from your ideal partnership? The most important thing for you to be aware of, is what your needs are.
If you don’t know what your needs and wants are, then how can you expect another person to know what they are or be able to meet them?
Sometimes, we’re aware of our needs but we put them away because we’re fearful of being too much, too burdensome, or too needy. We fear that if we have needs that our person may not love us, or if our needs become too much, we may scare them off or they may run out of love for us.
Or maybe you’re in the habit of morphing into another person. Their needs, likes and desires become your needs, likes and desires. You feel that if you asked for something different, it might make them go away. You may think if they like something, then this is what is most desirable, and so you must show up like this to be desired by them.
Here’s the kicker…. It’s important that we know who we are, and that we show up as our authentic selves so that we attract the right people. If we’re not being authentic and showing up as ourselves, then we’re going to attract the wrong people based on what we’re presenting. Even if you feel that you’ve attracted the “right” person, it won’t last long because you’re not being yourself. Eventually, you’ll grow tired of being inauthentic and get resentful that your needs aren’t being met. You’ll begin to desire a partner who loves and appreciates you for who you really are.
I promise that the right person will love you exactly as you are. You won’t need to do or prove anything to be loved.
Question #2: Do you know who your ideal partner is?
What kind of person are they? How do they show up in the world? How do they show up for you? Again, you must be clear about who you’re looking for to find them! If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how can you find it?
Take some time to journal about who it is that you want to come knocking at your door. Don’t leave any details out. Are they funny, hardworking, sensitive, or smart? Maybe they’re fun, introverted, an adventurer, or possibly a good cook? Imagine how they would show up for you on a day-to-day basis and write it down. This is your creation so have fun with it. When your ego tries to tell you they don’t exist, or it’s not possible for you to find a person like this, politely tell your ego they aren’t invited to this exercise.
Question #3: How would you feel if they came knocking on your door right now?
Would you be ready for them? Would you feel worthy of their greatness? Because your ideal partner is going to be pretty dang great, someone who makes you swoon at the very thought of their fabulousness. So, if you're not completely ready for your ideal person to come knocking at your door, then that tells me that you're not in love with yourself.
To find the love of your life, you must be the love of your life.
What does it mean to be the love of your life? It means that you're aware of what what's happening for yourself, you're aware of what your needs and desires are, and you are willing to show up for yourself in the ways that you need.
You know that it’s okay to be you, no matter what you’re experiencing. You’re going to have needs! You will get lonely, make mistakes, and get ugly mad at stupid things. But true love is allowing yourself to learn and grow without it being right or wrong, or good or bad. So, when you imagine how your ideal partner would show up for you, this is how you want you to show up for yourself.
This is all good and great you say, but how do I do these things when I’ve been beating myself up for the past 20 + years?
You first begin by paying attention to your thoughts.
How do you feel about yourself? Become aware of how you're treating yourself, and the kinds of thoughts you're having. Remember that your thoughts create your reality. So, if your thoughts are mean and ugly, then you’re not going to feel fabulous and deserving of the love of your life.
You begin to slowly create new habits, treating yourself in a way that somebody who dearly loves you would.
If you're struggling with something, you are your biggest supporter, you're not giving yourself a hard time for struggling.
You're not giving yourself a hard time for being where you are. You meet yourself where you are.
Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, and when we're down, we need more love, not less. That's when we need to be our own best friend, and ideal partner.
We must know that, however much we struggle or however many mistakes we make, we are still lovable, and worthy of love.
Finding the love of your life starts with you. You must know that you are 100% worthy of love and acceptance.
When you can show up for yourself because you know that’s what you deserve, then you wouldn't settle for anything less from anyone else. This is when you're ready for your ideal partner. You trust and know that you're not going to settle for anything less than what you desire and deserve. Of course, as humans, none of us are perfect, so your ideal person won’t be perfect either. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t show up for you in the ways that you need. It doesn’t mean that you must compromise any longer. Even at their worst, you should feel that your ideal person can show up for you in the ways that you need.
Lastly, you must believe that finding the love of your life is possible and you must trust that it will happen. Again, remember your beliefs create your reality. So, if you think it won’t happen based on what’s happened so far, then it won’t. If you believe that the person you’ve conjured up doesn’t exist, then they surely won’t be knocking on your door. Keep yourself open, and work on believing they will show up when the time is right.
Your past doesn’t predict your present or your future, you do!
For tips and practices on becoming your own best friend and learning to trust and love your true self, Stephani's book Creating Real Happiness A to Z: A Mindful Guide to Discovering, Loving, and Accepting Your True Self is available now!